Google Autocomplete, part 1

In my effort to score cheap humor points increase cultural understanding, I am going to answer some of the most commonly asked questions about Germans on Google based on its auto-complete feature.

Why don't Germans play rugby?

They play soccer instead.

Why don't Germans drink tap water?

Because drinking tap water or opening the window on a warm summer day will kill you.

More likely, it's a holdover from the 19th century when the tap water really would kill you.  Cholera and dysentery are no fun.

Why don't Germans cut potatoes and fish with a knife?

It's more fun to smash everything together with your fork into a paste and eat it that way.

Why don't Germans smile?

According to official statistics, most of Germany has a bit over 1600 hours of sunlight per year, which I think is a bit of a stretch actually.  San Diego has just under 3000.  Chicago, which is not known as a sunny place, has just over 2600.

There's all of that history.  1517, 1631, 1789, 1848, 1918, 1945.

That, and their stomachs hurt from all the carbonated water, beer, and heavy-ballast bread.

Why do Germans drink carbonated water?

Because tap water will kill them and too much beer will make them fat.  They often add juice to carbonated water (or to Sprite or to beer even) to make a 'schorle' when they don't want to get drunk but want to ingest huge amounts of empty calories.  A version of the 'schorle' but with just a splash of juice is actually a good idea.

Transporting all the bottles is a huge environmental nightmare though, and it's a pain in the rear end.  I just drink the tap water; maybe it will put me out of my misery.

Why do Germans stare?

Because you have a piece of breakfast stuck to your face.

Why do Germans like David Hasselhoff?

Because they're stuck in the '80s?

Look, don't look a gift horse in the mouth.  It's better than Kraftwerk.  And seriously, who can't like this?

Why do Germans hate the Treaty of Versailles?

The same reasons that the Mexicans hate the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo.

Why do the Germans celebrate Christmas?

Why wouldn't they?  Plus, the Christmas markets are a chance to get falling-down drunk in a socially acceptable manner.

Why do the Germans speak German?

The same reason that the English speak English and the Aussies throw up.  Though sometimes I wonder if the German language is an elaborate postmodern stunt played on foreigners, and if the Germans really just speak English but with a Sean Connery accent among themselves.

Next up:  Those Crazy Americans.